Wednesday, June 11, 2003
Hi everyone.
I am a sick kid. I very rarely get sick and when I do, it’s like the world falls out from underneath my feet. Although I had an amazing weekend, I contracted some sort of food poisoning on Saturday night and the sickness rode with me until this morning. Talk about vomit. I’ve never seen such an ugly color of bile in my entire life. Over and over I threw up and when I got up to go to work yesterday morning, I realized that I had pulled every muscle in my back. That’s what retching uncontrollably will do to a person. Ah well.
I think the best part is that I kicked the stomach thing by this morning, but now I have severe head congestion. I’m talking sneezing every five minutes water eyes head congestion. GAH. I am exhausted with being sick. No more please.
Since last Thursday, so much has happened. Ahmad has proven himself to be a superstar when it comes to the way he takes care of me. Man…if I say jump, the kid literally jumps. When standing looking at his boxes of cereal (all of which are healthy chunks of granola snores) I say “I want ‘Cookie Crisp’, ‘Boo Berry’, or ‘Fruity Pebbles’”. Ahmad says he is going for a run and returns with “Cookie Crisp”, “Fruity Pebbles”, and “Franken Berry”. Well…he was close. I ate one bowl of “Cookie Crisp” and haven’t been back to his apartment since. I mean, AMAZING that he went out and surprised me with these little treats. But oops…he doesn’t eat those kind of cereals. Now he’s stuck with them rotting in his kitchen. The part that stood out to me the most though is that he listens. When I speak, he hears every word. And that…I love.
But…uh-oh. Paul came over to my apartment on Sunday night and in the midst of my vomiting and rolling on the bed in agony, he bursts into tears and asked me to “Please take him back”. I sat there staring at him and let him continue.
Paul: “Joe, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. I don’t have anything in my life that compares to you. Not my family, not my friends, and not my jobs. I want you and only you, Joe. What can I do to make us better?”
Joe: “I have told you repeatedly what I need from you Paul. I am not going to sit here and tell you again. I am pretty sure that the only reason you are telling me this shit now is because you finally realize that I am moving on without you.”
Paul: “Do you even want to be with me anymore?”
Joe: “I really don’t know.”
Paul: “Do you have any forgiveness left in your heart?”
Joe: “I don’t know.”
Paul: “Joe, I am willing to work on our relationship. I am willing to call you more, be nicer to you, work on our sexual relationship. Joe, I am willing to be the boyfriend that you deserve.”
Joe: “While I would have killed to hear those words months ago, right now I can’t allow myself to trust you. I have put in so much effort into this relationship and I am tired of doing it now. I realize that other people treat me better than you do. And most importantly, I feel better about myself when I am not with you.”
Paul: (sobbing) “Please Joe. I need one more chance. I will work on what I need to work on. I promise you.”
Joe: (sobbing as well) “You don’t need to promise me anything. If it is important enough to you, you will fix it on your own.”
Obviously the conversation went on much longer and in much more detail, but this was the highlight. Since that talk, Paul has been incredible. He has been sweet, kind, and supportive. Monday afternoon, as I lay in bed sick as a dog, Paul woke up and made love to me. The way that I have wanted him to make love to me since January. It was a beautiful time together and I enjoyed every second of it. It was the only time over the last couple of days when I haven’t felt like complete shit.
As easy as it is for me to fall back into the routine with Paul, I am doing my absolute best to keep a level head and to not count on the fact that things with him will improve. In all honesty, I really hope it does, but I am so used to being disappointed by him that I can’t count on it anymore. I am still hanging out with Ahmad and I plan to continue doing so. But so far so good.
Paul has asked that I try to work with his schedule and to be as open minded about us as I can be. If Paul is willing to put in extra effort, I am willing to make him my first priority. But the second I see him slipping back into his old ways, I pull out. Until I am confident that we are in a better place, this will be how things go in our world.
So yeah. Wow. I am SO pleased that he has made these small steps so far.
Now if I could only kick this fucking head cold. I got a big weekend coming up and HELLS if I am going to miss out on any more activities.
HELLS.
BELLS.
So many bells.
Latas.
I am a sick kid. I very rarely get sick and when I do, it’s like the world falls out from underneath my feet. Although I had an amazing weekend, I contracted some sort of food poisoning on Saturday night and the sickness rode with me until this morning. Talk about vomit. I’ve never seen such an ugly color of bile in my entire life. Over and over I threw up and when I got up to go to work yesterday morning, I realized that I had pulled every muscle in my back. That’s what retching uncontrollably will do to a person. Ah well.
I think the best part is that I kicked the stomach thing by this morning, but now I have severe head congestion. I’m talking sneezing every five minutes water eyes head congestion. GAH. I am exhausted with being sick. No more please.
Since last Thursday, so much has happened. Ahmad has proven himself to be a superstar when it comes to the way he takes care of me. Man…if I say jump, the kid literally jumps. When standing looking at his boxes of cereal (all of which are healthy chunks of granola snores) I say “I want ‘Cookie Crisp’, ‘Boo Berry’, or ‘Fruity Pebbles’”. Ahmad says he is going for a run and returns with “Cookie Crisp”, “Fruity Pebbles”, and “Franken Berry”. Well…he was close. I ate one bowl of “Cookie Crisp” and haven’t been back to his apartment since. I mean, AMAZING that he went out and surprised me with these little treats. But oops…he doesn’t eat those kind of cereals. Now he’s stuck with them rotting in his kitchen. The part that stood out to me the most though is that he listens. When I speak, he hears every word. And that…I love.
But…uh-oh. Paul came over to my apartment on Sunday night and in the midst of my vomiting and rolling on the bed in agony, he bursts into tears and asked me to “Please take him back”. I sat there staring at him and let him continue.
Paul: “Joe, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life. I don’t have anything in my life that compares to you. Not my family, not my friends, and not my jobs. I want you and only you, Joe. What can I do to make us better?”
Joe: “I have told you repeatedly what I need from you Paul. I am not going to sit here and tell you again. I am pretty sure that the only reason you are telling me this shit now is because you finally realize that I am moving on without you.”
Paul: “Do you even want to be with me anymore?”
Joe: “I really don’t know.”
Paul: “Do you have any forgiveness left in your heart?”
Joe: “I don’t know.”
Paul: “Joe, I am willing to work on our relationship. I am willing to call you more, be nicer to you, work on our sexual relationship. Joe, I am willing to be the boyfriend that you deserve.”
Joe: “While I would have killed to hear those words months ago, right now I can’t allow myself to trust you. I have put in so much effort into this relationship and I am tired of doing it now. I realize that other people treat me better than you do. And most importantly, I feel better about myself when I am not with you.”
Paul: (sobbing) “Please Joe. I need one more chance. I will work on what I need to work on. I promise you.”
Joe: (sobbing as well) “You don’t need to promise me anything. If it is important enough to you, you will fix it on your own.”
Obviously the conversation went on much longer and in much more detail, but this was the highlight. Since that talk, Paul has been incredible. He has been sweet, kind, and supportive. Monday afternoon, as I lay in bed sick as a dog, Paul woke up and made love to me. The way that I have wanted him to make love to me since January. It was a beautiful time together and I enjoyed every second of it. It was the only time over the last couple of days when I haven’t felt like complete shit.
As easy as it is for me to fall back into the routine with Paul, I am doing my absolute best to keep a level head and to not count on the fact that things with him will improve. In all honesty, I really hope it does, but I am so used to being disappointed by him that I can’t count on it anymore. I am still hanging out with Ahmad and I plan to continue doing so. But so far so good.
Paul has asked that I try to work with his schedule and to be as open minded about us as I can be. If Paul is willing to put in extra effort, I am willing to make him my first priority. But the second I see him slipping back into his old ways, I pull out. Until I am confident that we are in a better place, this will be how things go in our world.
So yeah. Wow. I am SO pleased that he has made these small steps so far.
Now if I could only kick this fucking head cold. I got a big weekend coming up and HELLS if I am going to miss out on any more activities.
HELLS.
BELLS.
So many bells.
Latas.
